A Painful Road

As I sit here in C's room watching his chest rise and fall as he sleeps, staring at monitors watching his numbers dance around, I look back over the last week and wonder what happened?  It has been such a blur of stress, sadness, fear, frustration, hope, faith...... so much in such a short period of time.  His body is fighting an incredibly difficult battle and the doctors have marked it a very dire situation.  His lungs are occupied by so much that doesn't belong there that the oxygen that does struggles to find room.  All of this trauma is very taxing on his heart, which is struggling to compensate for the lungs.  Every movement, be it attempting to stand, coughing, or just talking sends his body into a tail spin.  Add that to the "normal" pains he has on a regular basis that become exacerbated from the lack of being able to adjust to a more comfortable position, and it is a real mess.  The doctors are doing everything they know how to do to give his body a chance to fight and heal itself, but we also get asked difficult questions about what actions they are to take if everything turns downward.  I have no idea what today will look like, I haven't even contemplated tomorrow, any further than that I don't have any clue.

I have kept a near constant bedside vigil, terrified of leaving his side as if I have any control in this situation, as if my presence changes anything that C's body is going through.  I take breaks to allow others the chance to spend time with him, but spend the entire time I am away nauseaus that I am not there with him.  I talk to the doctors and ask questions, speak for C when he struggles, put restrictions on friends who come for visits..... everything that I can do, but I wish I had the knowledge to fix it so we could just go back to before this whole cancer mess started and live our lives together, the way we had always planned.  

I have barely seen my girls this week, we have wonderful family working overtime filling the void of both Mommy and Daddy's absence.  It breaks my heart though that I am not there to laugh with them, comfort them, talk to them..... just be with them.  We've brought them up for visits, but those have to stay short and sweet when all of them are in tow.  K, our 6 year old, came for a one on one visit with daddy towards the end of this week.  She loved seeing Daddy, showing off her dress and wanting a picture with him...... she was excited to be here and have alone time with him.  During her visit, I had her leave the room while the doctors were in speaking with him and she and I sat at the nurses station near the monitors that are set up outside of his door.  She began asking questions about the heart rate and the squiggly marks that flowed by.  She noticed that Daddy's heart rate was faster than that of the patient's monitor next to Daddy's.  We talked about what a heart rate is and that Daddy's is faster since the number is higher.  I explained to her that her heart rate got faster too when she runs around in her classes and at the playground...... she then pointed out that it isn't the same since he is resting in bed.  I wasn't sure what to say, and even less sure when after she took a few moments to think about it, looked up with tears starting in the corners of her eyes and asked "Is Daddy going to die?".  

My heart hit the floor and I haven't been able to pick it up since.