I have kept a near constant bedside vigil, terrified of leaving his side as if I have any control in this situation, as if my presence changes anything that C's body is going through. I take breaks to allow others the chance to spend time with him, but spend the entire time I am away nauseaus that I am not there with him. I talk to the doctors and ask questions, speak for C when he struggles, put restrictions on friends who come for visits..... everything that I can do, but I wish I had the knowledge to fix it so we could just go back to before this whole cancer mess started and live our lives together, the way we had always planned.
I have barely seen my girls this week, we have wonderful family working overtime filling the void of both Mommy and Daddy's absence. It breaks my heart though that I am not there to laugh with them, comfort them, talk to them..... just be with them. We've brought them up for visits, but those have to stay short and sweet when all of them are in tow. K, our 6 year old, came for a one on one visit with daddy towards the end of this week. She loved seeing Daddy, showing off her dress and wanting a picture with him...... she was excited to be here and have alone time with him. During her visit, I had her leave the room while the doctors were in speaking with him and she and I sat at the nurses station near the monitors that are set up outside of his door. She began asking questions about the heart rate and the squiggly marks that flowed by. She noticed that Daddy's heart rate was faster than that of the patient's monitor next to Daddy's. We talked about what a heart rate is and that Daddy's is faster since the number is higher. I explained to her that her heart rate got faster too when she runs around in her classes and at the playground...... she then pointed out that it isn't the same since he is resting in bed. I wasn't sure what to say, and even less sure when after she took a few moments to think about it, looked up with tears starting in the corners of her eyes and asked "Is Daddy going to die?".
My heart hit the floor and I haven't been able to pick it up since.