Cancer

I should have handled it better, I've heard this word all my life.  My parents both worked in cancer research, in fact, that's how they met.  When I was a teenager my mother was diagnosed with Stage 4B lymphoma, I think I cried.... I know my parents didn't.  It was a fact of life, their approach was what treatment do we persue and when do we start?  We didn't talk about it all that much, it was what it was.  She went into remission before I finished high school and that was the end of that, if it returned we'd address it then.... but no sense worrying what could be, just deal with what is.  I have had relatives who lost their fight with cancer, those who won, and those who are still in treatment.  The word never held fear for me, just a fact of life...... until it was my husband who brought home the diagnosis.

I remember so vividly the meeting in the doctor's office.   My husband had some back pain and had been seeing a chiropractor to try to relieve it.  After little success, he was sent for an MRI to look for a herniated disc, instead they found a series of lesions on his spine.  They threw around possible diagnoses, all of which had "oma" in their names.  I was nine months pregnant, just weeks from meeting our third daughter.  I couldn't stop myself from falling apart, I called my parents who in their calm, expected way told me to hold it together until we knew for sure what we were dealing with.  No sense in worrying what could be, let's find out what is.  I wish I had been stronger, I wish I wouldn't have cried so much, I wish I could have been a better comfort to my husband, but in those first few days when we were getting tests scheduled and appointments made I couldn't help myself.  The what ifs were too big and I couldn't get my brain to slow down enough to work my way back from the worst case scenario.

Being that far along in my pregnancy had its advantages, the tests and appointments were expedited.  A CT scan was performed ahead of our appointment with an oncologist which uncovered an enlarged prostate... a biopsy was scheduled that same week.  None of the doctors seemed to think a cancer diagnosis was in our future, and with that shred of comfort we went and met our sweet little blessing just before Thanksgiving.  While in the hospital with her, the doctor called to let us know the results were back from the biopsy and an appointment was made for the following Monday.

Some moments in life really feel ripped from a movie, like there is a camera watching and capturing every reaction.  Monday, November 26, 2012 was that way.  I remember that I was sitting in bed nursing my baby girl, her older sisters were off playing together outside when my husband returned from his biopsy appointment.  His eyes watery and red, I asked him if he was okay... knowing the answer was no, but not having any other way to prompt the conversation.  Just looking at him, my heart was in my stomach and it felt like my blood turned to ice, something about the anticipation of bad news stopped everything and I was even scared to breathe.  The words stage 4 prostate cancer hit me so hard I am still reeling from them......