25 June 2014


It's been one month today, and my heart hurts more than words can describe.  Behind a carefully crafted mask that I wear everyday, I hide, refusing to let my guard down for a second for fear of loosing control.  There is no good answer for how I feel, the surface feelings change so rapidly from 'fine' to fear to faith to anger...... underneath is the most incredible sadness, a piece of me is missing.

The girls and I are constantly on the go, and people seem to think this is strong, but truthfully I am escaping my thoughts, my house, responsibilities that I don't want to have.  Buying plane tickets, realizing that I am not purchasing for a family of five, but of four.  My wedding ring that holds C's ring on my finger, I can't take them off, but looking at them brings the tears.  Being at a graduation party for a friend's daughter and realizing I don't have my phone out and ready..... that I am no longer on call.  One of my closest friends lives directly across from the hospital C never left and a few streets over from the Cancer Center we spent so much time at, the detours we have discovered to avoid those buildings to get to and leave her home adds ridiculous amounts of driving time..... but I just can't drive by them anymore.  Meeting with lawyers and advisors, learning that as C took care of us in life, he had planned well for taking care of us now.

Watching the girls overwhelms me with sadness.  Yes, I can see him through facial expressions, mannerisms, sometimes in a phrase they will use..... one day I am sure it will bring comfort and maybe a smile, but today it is painful.  Every first that Baby T has, and there are still plenty, are beyond bittersweet.  I desperately want to text him pictures, send him a quick excited note, talk about it at the end of the day after we have wrangled them into bed, share it all with him..... but I can't.  

I know he is in heaven watching us and watching over us and is here with us..... but this doesn't bring much comfort right now....... the truth is I am selfish, I want him here, with me, in the flesh.  I look over at his chair that is now empty and all I want is my best friend back.


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