Overall, this week has been a really good week. C got his blood work back from NIH, and his PSA is down to 1.09, normal is anything below 4. When we first got the diagnosis, he was at a 12, then in February (with 3 months of treatment behind him) it had dropped to 3. The downward trend is very encouraging, it will likely never go to zero, but we'll take normal range and treasure it for as long as we can. He made it in to work this week, twice..... the 50 minute drive each way has been a huge obstacle in allowing him to return to his office. But he made it largely unscathed, except by his wife who wishes he would remember to send a quick text to let her know that he got there without incident. His pain has become more manageable and even his pain doctor feels it is time to have him start backing off the high doses of pain medicines as his body has been responding well to treatment.
So, where does all this leave us?
We have spent the last couple of months adjusting to the new routine of Daddy being home, but not home, but home. He has been there in a pinch to help with the girls with lunch, a diaper change, a much needed hug. We've had to practice being as quiet as church mice when he has a conference call or when he needs to focus on his work. But with him being gone these couple of days, back to work, back to "normal".... I am left with a surreal experience. Still in the routine of taking the girls where we need to go, activities, friends, and everything else, but returning to an empty house. I am thankful for the girls innocence, as they exclaim proudly that we beat Daddy home from his doctor's appointment when we returned home and Daddy's car wasn't in the driveway..... and that they are going to hide until he comes home and finds them. I explained that Daddy felt good enough to go to work, so he won't be back for quite a while and they seem genuinely confused that he won't be home until after dinner. They don't seem to remember the "old" days. I also hate to admit that in some ways I kind of liked the new normal, obviously not that C has cancer and the enormous toll it is obviously taking on all of us..... but there has been a huge change in our family. The girls have had the chance to spend more time with Daddy, sharing happy, little achievements as they happen, snuggling in his lap as he puts out the latest fire at work via email, having the bedtime routine consistently involve him.
We have often reflected that we took a lot for granted before all this happened, and if there was a blessing to be found in all this, it was that we now cherished our family and our time together more. It is so easy to go along on the day to day, forgetting to stop and be grateful that we have what we do. Now I think I have been taking for granted the recent time we have had together, that he is here where I can keep an eye on him. I can remind him to take his medicine, try to rub his back to ease his pain, be a sounding board when he needs it. Even just having my best friend around to share a quick joke or a minor annoyance that would otherwise be forgotten by the end of the day has been a gift.
With this latest development in our normal, simultaneously I wonder if I have finally woken up from this nightmare and the last four months never happened, then back to the "what ifs"of our reality. I know I should be all sunshine and rainbows, excited at the movement forward in his body and attitude, but with the foundation of blissfully ignorant stability yanked from under my feet and replaced with quick sand.... it is hard to take comfort in where things are today.
With all that said, I am choosing to take today and be thankful for all the blessings that it has brought to our family. I can be sad later, I can be mad later, I can be fearful later...... I don't want to waste today worrying about the what ifs of tomorrow.
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